The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

The constructive counterpart to the Four Horsemen. Gottman's positive framework for what happy marriages actually do.

1. **Enhance your Love Maps** — Know your partner's inner world: their fears, dreams, stresses, and preferences. Regularly update this knowledge. 2. **Nurture fondness and admiration** — Maintain a habit of expressing genuine appreciation. Contempt cannot thrive where admiration is practiced. 3. **Turn toward each other** — Respond to small "bids for connection" instead of ignoring or dismissing them. 4. **Accept influence** — Especially for men: be willing to be influenced by your partner's perspective. Couples where men resist influence have much higher divorce rates. 5. **Solve your solvable problems** — Use softened startup, repair attempts, and de-escalation. These are the roughly 31% of conflicts that actually have solutions. 6. **Overcome gridlock** — Recognize that 69% of conflicts are perpetual (rooted in personality differences) and will never fully resolve. The goal is dialogue and understanding, not resolution. 7. **Create shared meaning** — Build rituals, goals, and a shared culture. The relationship has its own identity, separate from both individuals.

Origin

John Gottman, 1999